Up to My Eyeballs In It: Eye Disorders

Up to My Eyeballs In It: Eye Disorders

By Janelle Harris

Call me a pioneer in the study of the eyes, but I believe it's my duty to warn the world about a handful of very serious eye conditions that virtually every male on earth seems to suffer from.

As a single gal looking for longevity in the game of love, I've diagnosed more than my fair share of men, and no matter the guy, it seems like they're almost always afflicted with some vision-related disorder, some eye condition that's causing them (or me) trouble. And personally, I think it's high time we found a cure for them. So, grab your eye charts, ladies - it's time for an examination...

Tunnel vision

Although optometrists haven't produced any evidence to back me up yet, I'm convinced that all guys are specially equipped with an optical shut-off valve. Maybe it's a genetic leftover from our Cro-Magnon days, when all that men had to watch were cave paintings. Maybe it's a self-preservation mechanism that protects them from potentially unpleasant conversations (or having to pry themselves off the couch during the NBA playoffs).

Whatever it is, this kind of tunnel vision lets dudes stay intently focused on the television for incredible amounts of time without blinking, flinching or coming up for air. Stand in front of the sofa while anything involving a commentator is on, and you too, ladies, can watch this phenomena in its natural habitat.

Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way when I unveiled an adorable new dress to my adorable new boyfriend before our date, which just happened to be the same adorable evening the Dolphins were playing the Patriots. Even with a plunging neckline, I couldn't rip his tunnel vision from the tube.


After the above incident, I decided to exact a little payback on my man while I watched the latest episode of "Desperate Housewives." I was mesmerized and completely inattentive - until I caught sight of my beau attempting to walk out the front door wearing a tan jacket, a red and yellow striped polo shirt, and navy blue Dockers (You don't even want to know what color socks he had on). That human rainbow, dear readers, that assault on good taste, is a prime example of another male vision malady: Colorblindness.

Now, in all fairness, there are plenty of fellas out there who could dress circles around me in a New York Fashion Week minute. But they're always going to be outnumbered by that unfortunate bunch - like my dear, sweet, style-backward beau - who couldn't match a shirt and tie (or tie and pants, or pants and jacket, or jacket and...) if a set of Super Bowl tickets depended on it.

Other eye conditions (Lazy, glassy, wandering...)

Alas, we've only scratched the surface of the many other conditions that can plague and bewilder male vision. Let's not forget...

- The lazy eye that fails to notice wives' and girlfriends' new hairdos.

- The glassy eye that glazes over the moment a woman tries to initiate a meaningful discussion.

- The pesky wandering eye that's unable to resist overtly gawking at beautiful girls in public places (which, incidentally, is the leading cause of other physical ailments, like black eye and thrown drink in eye).

The immune

Of course, there are exceptions to every rule, and indeed, there's a select group of guys with immunities to each of these conditions. Members of this prized minority see straight to your soul, catch every detail, notice every new outfit and every new hairstyle, dress impeccably, and only have eyes for you. They're the ones that keep us all looking.

"But where do I find that sort of guy?" you wonder. Keep hope, ladies - they aren't just in your dreams. If you're looking for that sort of keen-eyed, observant man, you might just try the contact lens solution aisle at your local grocery store. Experience has taught me that guys who use OPTI-FREE® contact lens solution have the clear vision and good sense that might just make them your perfect match. And they're usually not bad on the eyes, either.

As I said, these gents are the exception rather than the rule, however. Sooner or later, we're all bound to run into men afflicted by a vision disorder that complicates their relationship with the opposite sex. And sure, we'll hold out hope for a cure to all the crazy afflictions that affect the eyes of guys, but that doesn't mean we can't still enjoy their company, or love them in spite of their faults. After all, they do the same for us, don't they?

P.S. My fellow females got a free pass this time, but tune in next issue to hear about one of our most common eye afflictions!

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OPTI® eSTORIES is a place for eyes, of course - a forum for sharing tips and stories, for offering new vision and perspective, for discussing lifestyle and image, all through the window of our eyes. More than that, though, OPTI® is about celebrating the beauty within all of us, and the way our eyes can be just as unique as we are. Fun and feisty, elegant and soulful. It's all here. It's all OPTI®.

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